My Dad. What a complicated relationship. right from the start. deep love, deep feelings also of the opposite emotion. I do not like to use that strong word. but, it was there. Dad taught me both emotions. I had them equal strong emotions for him. I will by-pass most of the years with dad.
the End time of his life.... I want to talk about his End. After the nurses told me he had died, I could not leave my dad's body... he laid there, on the sterile hospital bed, dead. I closed the door to our hospice room. I would not let one person come into that room for the next 3 hours. I sat with my dad's body. I could not believe he was gone. he always breathed. surely he would take one more breath. I waited. I fretted. I held him, I talked to him. and I would not allow them to call the morgue. I was intense in my vigil. surely, surely he had not slipped away that easy.
finally the hospice nurses called a relative of mine, and asked them come and take me home. I had to be taken away from my dad's body. I would not leave it. surely it was not just....over. dad died two years after mom. and a little less than 2 years before sister Gail.
All three deaths happened in such a short period of time. this all since I turned 50. then My X husband slipped into mania phase of bi-polar...never to return to me. and no medication helped.
is it any wonder that I am so strangly and oddly happy here in Southern Wisconsin among my new family, my new life? Is it any wonder that life seems to have given me a rebirth?
I do not miss my dad. I do not miss my mom. and I donot miss my sister. I think of them all with great love and respect and have let them pass from me. Once in a while, I can hear my sweet sister Gial laugh with me. Once in a while, when I look out my eyes, I know my mom would have loved to see what I look at. And, once in a while I feel my dad's good wishes, love and blessings upone me,... that he was unable to actually communicate while he was alive. as I said, it was a complicated relationship.
